The Deal I Made with God - Chapter 3

Chapter 3

When I was in high school, I was dating a boy, and I believed we were very much in love, because he told me he loved me. I was crazy about him and loved him very much. We both had grown up in Christian homes. My parents taught me that you had to be married before you were intimate with someone, which is exactly the way I wanted it, but he constantly hounded me, demanding that I have sex with him if I really loved him. At that time my best friend was already having sex. She said I should just do it, because it was no big deal. Many of our classmates also admitted to having sex, so, as you can imagine, it seemed like the thing to do. While we were dating, I was deeply hurt to discover that he was doing things with other girls. After giving it some thought, I decided that if I had sex with him maybe he would stop seeing others and only want to be with me. At the age of sixteen, I got pregnant. When my boyfriend learned I was pregnant, he said I had to have an abortion and that we couldn’t reveal it to our parents. I knew my parents would have been extremely upset with me if they knew. In fact, I thought they would ask me to leave home when I had nowhere else to go. I also thought my boyfriend would leave me if I didn’t have the abortion. I was terrified and very much alone with nowhere to turn! The truth is that I felt I’d been backed into a corner with no other choice. I knew of other girls who had abortions. I’d even accompanied a few of them to the abortion clinic. In my limited experience, it just seemed like the thing to do, the answer to the problem. It was as if it were being used as a form of birth control, and not a big deal at all.

Early one morning my boyfriend and one of my girlfriends dropped me off at the clinic to have the abortion. I didn’t want to do it. In fact, I felt physically sick to my stomach even thinking about it. I remember crying so hard that the clinic staff people put me in a room by myself for a while until I calmed down. After it was done, I waited in the parking lot for a few hours until my boyfriend and friend came back to pick me up. Even then, I knew that I had done something awful—something that couldn’t be fixed! At that point, my boyfriend said he loved me and I really thought he did.

Over time, I learned that he had continued to cheat with other girls while we were dating. It took me many years to get over the hurt and betrayal of that relationship. Over time, I realized I should have stayed true to myself and not have been intimate with him in the first place. Looking back now, I realize that I could’ve saved myself an enormous amount of heartache, if only I’d been brave enough to do what I knew was right. But it was done, and I was left feeling deep regret over what I’d done, and grieved that society accepts abortion as a logical choice!

My next serious boyfriend treated me much better. He was kind and respectful toward me. We even waited an entire year before we were intimate. By that time I really loved him with all my heart. He gave me a diamond engagement ring, and I was totally convinced that we would one day be married. In my naivete, I wondered why it could be wrong to be intimate if we truly loved each other.

I started on birth control pills to keep from going through what I went through earlier. But because I was pretty young and still not very responsible, there were times I forgot to take the pill so I missed a day here and there. Apparently, that’s one cause for some of the unwanted pregnancies that occur. I had to find out the hard way. So once again, I discovered that I was pregnant, and I turned to another abortion clinic for help. Just like the first abortion clinic they never talked to me about what really happens when you have an abortion. Both clinics said, “It’s not a baby. It’s just a blob of tissue.”

This occurred in the early 80s, when I knew nothing about ultrasounds. I had never even heard the term. Unfortunately, I believed them when they promised to take my problem away in a few minutes so I would never have to think about it again. I thought, “Abortions are legal. So, if it was really a baby, how could it have been made legal in the first place?” I was still very young and naïve, and easily taken in. At that time, I was terrified of what my parents would do if they knew. Once again, I felt I had absolutely no other choice, and of course, the clinic never offered any other options. I don’t remember any type of counseling. The truth is that it’s been many years ago now, and I still think about it on a regular basis and felt deep regret and shame for what I did.