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Probe MinistriesMost Asked Questions on DatingPat ZukeranIntroductionBecause of a previous Probe radio program titled "The Principles of Dating" and our Mind Games conferences, many challenging questions about dating have been generated. In this essay I will address some of the most common questions from listeners and audiences across the country. The controversial nature of the questions demands that we carefully study the Scriptures and provide biblically-based answers.
Who Does the Asking?The first question about dating is, "Is it wrong for a girl to ask a guy out?" Although there may not be anything intrinsically wrong with a girl asking a guy out, this is not wise or biblical on the woman's behalf. In many cultures all over the world, the man is seen as the one who should take the first step. One may wonder if this is just a cultural thing or if there is more to it than that. In the paradigm presented in Scripture, the man is the one who takes the initiative.In the Old Testament, God describes Himself as the bridegroom and Israel as the bride. In John 3:29 and 2 Corinthians 11:2, Jesus described Himself as the bridegroom and the church as the bride of Christ. Here, Jesus takes the masculine role of the groom and the church has the feminine role of the bride. As the groom, He is the initiator in the relationship. It is Jesus who came and rescued us from sin and death. He is the one who came looking for us and gave us the invitation of eternal life through a relationship with Him. Jesus is not only the initiator, but also the head, the leader of the church. Following this principle, 1 Corinthians 11:3 states, "Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man." In a marriage, the man is the leader over the family. That does not mean the man is a superior being. It means God has placed him in a position of leadership and assigned him the role of head over his wife and family. Just as Christ took the initiative in His relationship with His bride, the church, the man as the leader should take the initiative in the marriage relationship. This does not mean the woman in a marriage or dating relationship never initiates or leads in an area in which she is gifted. She may lead in some areas, but the overall headship role belongs to the man. In the garden, Adam's role was to care for, protect, provide for, and cherish Eve. He was created to be the initiator and leader. When the roles were reversed, chaos resulted. Having been deceived by the serpent, Eve took the initiative and offered the fruit to Adam, who followed her into sin rather than protecting her and leading her. As I said earlier, there may not be anything intrinsically wrong with a girl asking a guy out. But if this is a preview of the relationship, it has the potential of not developing into a biblical marriage. Initiation by the woman gets the whole relationship off on the wrong foot. What I mean is this: When the girl constantly takes the initiative and leadership role and the guy passively follows, we have a reversal of God's intended design. This could eventually lead to one of the greatest problems in marriages today*men who have withdrawn from their call as leaders of the home and are absorbed in their careers or other interests. In the dating relationship, the biblical role of the man is to be the initiator and leader in the relationship. Who does the asking? If we're following God's design, the best way to begin a relationship is for the man to be the initiator. Gentlemen, to the phones!
Alone on a Friday NightFrom our childhood years, we are bombarded with images of romance. Often a single person can feel insecure about his or her situation. Students sometimes sense that "without a date, you don't rate." It can be difficult to spend Friday nights alone at home while your friends are out on dates. Singles often ask, "How do I deal with the feelings of loneliness as I wait upon the Lord?" Here are some principles to follow.First, we must find our security in the Lord and develop a fulfilling relationship with Him. When we do that, instead of relying on others to fill our emptiness we become a person filled with joy, love and peace which overflows into our relationships. Instead of being a taker, someone who is always trying to fill our emptiness by pulling it out of other people, we can be a giver, sharing out of a full and overflowing heart that Jesus has filled. Second, trust God fully at His Word. This dispels worry. Psalm 84:11 says, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless." The Lord promises not to withhold "any good thing" from those who follow Him. Choose to trust our good God and you will find yourself free from anxiety. Contrary to popular opinion, Scripture views singleness as a wonderful period of life. A single man or woman is free to grow in his or her character, serve the Lord, and build friendships in ways married people cannot. In 1 Corinthians 7:8 Paul writes, "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am." He later states in verses 32-35, "I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs_how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world_how he can please his wife, and his interests are divided." From Paul's words, we see that singleness can be a fruitful time in life. A single person has the opportunity to experience a valuable lesson: God is our sufficiency. Second, because there are fewer distractions, it is a valuable time to deepen one's walk with God. Spiritual disciplines like intensive study of the Bible, meditation, witnessing and prayer can be developed during this time. I am grateful for the years I was able to travel freely and study under the best teachers of the Bible for extended periods of time. Singleness gave me freedom to do these very worthwhile things. Many singles report that the times they have alone with God are life-changing. Finally, a single man or woman is free to serve the Lord in ways married people cannot. Being single allowed me the time, freedom, and flexibility to stay out late at night and witness to teenagers on the street, commit to short-term mission trips, work with the youth and study at seminary. Being involved in ministry allowed me to make many lifelong and meaningful friendships. In the church where I now serve as pastor, the singles are a tremendous asset to the over-all ministry. They are involved in worship, youth ministry, Sunday School and other valuable outreaches. Our church would not be as effective as it is without our singles. During this time in your life, focus on developing your relationship with the Lord, serving Him with all your heart and waiting on His perfect timing.
What's Wrong with a Little Kissing?Not long ago I was addressing the topic of sexual purity to a group of sixth graders. Only a few minutes into the talk, many of the kids started vocally disagreeing with me, mocking my views. They called me "old fashioned" and "out of touch." This kind of reaction has become more prevalent among teens today. In our day, can we realistically expect two people to remain pure until marriage?The answer is yes! Hebrews 13:4 says, "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." God commands us to a life of purity. And when He gives us a command, He enables us to obey. The next logical question is, "How can a couple maintain their purity in the dating relationship?" First, we must heed two warnings. In the young adult years, the sexual drive is one of the strongest impulses we experience. For this reason, we must be careful. Sexual temptation has entrapped even the greatest of saints. Second, be aware that the road to immorality begins with a series of small compromises. Seemingly insignificant at first, these minor missteps lead us further from God's path. The story of David and Bathsheba serves as a good reminder of this. The quest for purity will be a battle. Just as an athlete must diligently prepare before a competition, so we must be prepared long before we begin dating. Proverbs 4:23-27 teaches us, "Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or left; keep your foot from evil." The key to maintaining purity is to protect your heart. The heart in this passage refers to the mind and whole personality of the individual. It is the "wellspring of life" because joy and fullness of life come from within, not from outward circumstances. Before dating--and then, before each date--"pre-decide" to sacrifice your fleshly desires, and pursue your godly desire to remain sexually pure and devoted to the Lord. To guard your heart means to protect it from the danger of harmful influences. You do this first by heeding verse 24, in "putting away perversity in your speech." Often in locker rooms, cafeterias and clubs, we are surrounded by men and women whose conversation is filled with sexual overtones. Christians should not enter into such conversations, nor should we associate closely with a crowd that does. Second, in verse 25, "Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you." In other words, guard your heart by protecting your eyes from false teaching and corrupting images. Be careful of the magazines you read and the movies and television programming you watch. The eyes are the vehicle through which false and tempting images enter your heart. Third, look at verse 27: "Do not swerve to the right or left; keep your foot from evil." Continually walk in the path of righteousness, and do not compromise your convictions. In dating, apply this by avoiding situations where the temptation to compromise is possible. For example, plan some group dates and pre-plan your dates so you can avoid compromising situations. Hold yourself and your friends accountable to one another, to your parents, and to your discipleship leaders. In these ways, you keep your feet from evil. Remaining pure until marriage is not easy, but it reaps tremendous rewards. There is a wonderful freedom that comes from enjoying a marriage bed free from "ghosts," previous sexual partners. Plus, the research shows that those who remain faithful until marriage have greater trust of one another, which leads to stronger and happier marriages. The hard work to stay pure is worth it.
How Do I Say I Am Not Interested?One of the most difficult situations to face is found in the next question: "What if someone is interested in me but I am not interested back?" In this awkward situation, the pursued will often string the other person along until the pursuer gets frustrated and moves on. During the whole process, the one pursued may unintentionally send mixed signals, or come up with constant excuses to get out of a date. The situation may often end up with one person hurt and angered resulting in a ruined friendship.If you think someone is interested in you but you do not have similar feelings, honesty, integrity and love must be your guides. It is at times like this that a Christian can really bring honor to God through his or her sincere response. Colossians 3:9 says, "Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." Be honest with your brother or sister in Christ by not stringing him or her along, or constantly making excuses to get out of a date, or playing other kinds of games. Otherwise, resentment may ruin the friendship altogether and God's name may be tarnished by this type of conduct. Romans 12:9 says, "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." In the situation of "unrequited like," God's love must compel us to speak and act with sincerity toward the other person. Devotion and honor of the other person must be displayed by speaking the truth in love even though it is very difficult. It feels good to know others find us attractive and too often we like to keep that feeling alive by stringing the other along. Our love for our brother or sister in Christ should compel us to put aside our own desires for the sake of our brother or sister. With an attitude of love, sit down and be honest with the other person. In the most gracious way, tell him you are honored by his attention, but you are not interested in pursuing a relationship beyond friendship. The pursuer may be hurt, and even angry at the moment. However, in time he will appreciate your honesty and respect you for your integrity. In this way God is honored by your righteous conduct. This is a true story. In my teenage years I knew a certain girl was interested in me, but I was not interested in her. Although I found it flattering and enjoyed the feeling, I knew the right thing to do was to speak the truth in love. However, out of fear, I avoided the issue and tried to keep my distance from her. After months of frustration, she eventually severed the friendship and even left our church. I felt tremendous remorse for losing not only a friend, but also a sister in Christ. From then on, I resolved to obey God's Word and be sincere, no matter how hard it was for me. Elisabeth Elliot writes, "Resist the temptation to trifle with other people's feelings. It may be fun to 'play fish' like a trout on a fly line, but it is cruel, it is dishonest, and it is dangerous."{1} Let us honor one another by speaking the truth in love.
When Mom and Dad DisapproveOne of the toughest questions to answer is: "What if my parents do not approve of the person I am dating?" This situation is often emotional and tense, so it requires great wisdom, patience and courage from both parties.Paul writes in Ephesians 6:2-3, "Honor your mother and father*which is the first commandment with a promise*that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." To honor means to count as valuable. The advice of parents should be treated as valuable, and it deserves to be listened to. Proverbs 15:20 says, "A wise son brings joy to his father but a foolish man despises his mother." Men and women who honor their parents by listening to their advice show a great deal of wisdom, maturity and character. Only a fool despises the experience of his or her parents. Most parents love their children and desire the best for them. Other than the Lord, they know you better than anyone else. Therefore, if they do not approve of the person you are dating, a wise person would calmly sit down and listen to the reasoning of his or her parents. Often parents have valuable insights to offer and can keep you from following a destructive path. Becoming a good judge of character is something gained only from life experience which is why parents' perspectives are worth listening to. Although parents love their children and seek their best, they may not always be right. Their advice must be consistent with the Word of God. If it is, the wise thing to do is heed their advice. Even if your parents are not Christians, you will often find they have great insight that is consistent with God's Word. The difficulty comes when your parent's advice contradicts the Word of God. For example, many young women facing a crisis pregnancy have been pressured by their parents to have an abortion. In these situations, one must pray, fast and seek the counsel of godly men and women. Ask for prayer support from your fellowship. Only after this should one discuss the issue with his or her parents, remaining calm and respectful through the discussion. Assure your parents that you have listened to them and understand their concerns. Then, in a respectful way, present your reasons for disagreeing from the Word of God. If you must disagree, let it be for righteous reasons and let the Lord work on the hearts of your parents. 1 Peter 3:2 states, "For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer." Parents, however, must be sure to give wise advice consistent with Scripture. If you as a parent disapprove of your son or daughter's date you must give clear, biblical reasons. Be sure you are not reasoning from prejudice or negative stereotype. Seek the counsel of wise men and women of God, and have them evaluate your reasons. After securing their prayer support, discuss the situation with your son or daughter. Reassure them of your love and that you desire only God's best for him or her. Although your son or daughter may be upset at first, they will eventually see the wisdom in your words.
ConclusionThe questions surrounding the practice of dating abound. I hope you have found this essay beneficial in answering some of the most common questions. Above all else, put Jesus at the center of your relationship and you can be assured you stand on a firm foundation for dating.© 1998 Probe Ministries International Note [an error occurred while processing this directive] Copyright © 2002 Probe Ministries. All rights reserved.
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